ASSUMPTIONS in Therapy

We all have assumptions. I want to devote some time and space to exploring the assumptions that I hold about every therapeutic relationship. Not all assumptions are equal. Some give the benefit of the doubt, some are more risk averse. The following assumptions have been realized over the course of my career.

My Assumptions About You

1. You are doing the best you can.

This assumption doesn’t judge what you are doing to sustain yourself through difficulty. It only acknowledges that you are doing the best you can with the tools you have and the situation you are in.

2. You want to improve.

If you are investigating therapy, you are doing so because you’d like to improve your quality of life. Even if you aren’t sure how invested you’d like to become in therapy, just searching out possibilities shows a desire to improve.

3. You are willing to learn new behaviors in your day to day life.

Life is always shifting and changing. The tools you learn in therapy are able to be applied to any situation you find yourself in. This is where our teamwork comes into play. We rehearse, role play and sometimes consult in the moment (in vivo) that circumstances are unfolding.

4. You cannot fail counseling, but counseling can fail you.

You are seeking assistance. My job is to work with you to create an environment that is safe, accessible and growth producing. Your job is to show up ready to do work. If that feels too burdensome then it is my job to work with you to ease that burden.

5. You didn’t cause all your problems, but you must solve them.

Unfortunately life isn’t fair, just or easy. Sometimes our lives are so impacted by other peoples unhealthy choices that it throws us off balance. While we may not be responsible for all of the problems we face, we must face them regardless. 

6. You can do better and try harder.

Life doesn’t come with a handbook. We rely on one another in so many ways. By working in therapy, you will gain more tools that you can begin to apply to your life. Even if we are in the darkest places, there are small things that we can do to be better and try harder. You wont be trying alone.

7. If you are suicidal, your life is not bearable the way you are currently experiencing it.

When suicidal ideation becomes a real possibility in life, that is a message that says loud and clear, this is an actual solution to the difficulty in my life. The goal becomes to create a life worth living. 

My Assumptions About Therapy

1. I help people change in ways that brings them closer to their own goals.

My values and goals may be completely different from yours. That is to be expected. As long as our work moves you toward your goals, we are working successfully.

2. Clarity, precision and compassion are among the most important tools I have.

I have many tools at my disposal. None of these are more important than being present, open and curious as we interact. Those values of mindfulness are best found in clarity, precision and compassion.

3. The therapeutic relationship is one between equals.

I am not above you. I am not better than you. The inverse is also true. Our relationship should be one of equals. We are two people attempting to tackle difficult problems in community, with support and trust.

4. Behavior is universal and it affects me as much as you.

I have bad days. I get tired. I miss things and make mistakes. We must both be generous and we must both be held accountable to getting the help we need. Therefore, I pursue my own therapy as well as therapeutic supervision with a counselor who has more experience than I have.

5. I need support.

Again, this refers to my own work and my own health. As a commitment to my work, I participate in a team that provides different perspectives than my own. It helps me grow, change and affirm the therapeutic work.

6. I must strive for wholeness.

Therapy only works when everything is considered together. Nothing occurs in a vacuum. Everything is interrelated and we must approach problems in a dynamic way that takes into account all parts of life.

7. I can fail as a therapist.

Sometimes the relationship between therapist and client isn’t stable. Sometimes I make mistakes. If I don’t do my work, if I fail to uphold my ethics and values, if I overcorrect, I can disrupt our therapeutic relationship. That is my failing not yours. My work is to help find what works best for you, and to pursue it. I desire feedback. If I’m missing the big picture, I rely on you to help me see that.

My Assumptions About life.

1. Within every truth, there is it’s opposite.

This might appear confusing at first, but by understanding the complexity of the mind we can often see that, while there may be times we choose the unhealthy thing, that it often includes with it the desire to choose the healthy thing. The struggle we feel internally is a compass that guides this assumption.

2. There is wisdom within contradiction.

Often balance is like a seesaw where we keep two weights in sync with each other to find the balance in the middle. Contradiction can reveal where the weight in our life sits and how imbalanced it may be.

3. Person and Environment are connected.

People often overlook the impact of environment. The environment that we cultivate is an extension of our understanding. Often, when we aren’t mindful, our coping mechanisms, fears and defense create an environment that supports the unhealthy way we are dealing with life. Changing our environment can lead to significant growth.

4. Change is the nature of living.

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Everything is in a constant state of change. Embracing that change will often allow us to integrate and let go of the past.

5. Reality is not static, so therapy is constantly shifting.

Therapy operates on theory. Our understanding of humanity, sociology, psychology and neurology are constantly shifting, therefore therapeutic modalities constantly adjust. In the same way, each of our lives is in constant flux. Our strategies and methods in counseling must be flexible enough to shift with those changes.

6. Conflict and opposition are part of the process.

Conflict and opposition can make us feel defensive. It is precisely in those defensive moments that we can begin to understand our own vulnerability. When those spaces are activated, we explore them together. It is important to understand that in counseling, all feelings and experiences are welcome, especially the supremely difficult ones.

7. We must look for what we have left out.

This is a truth as old as humanity. We often reveal ourselves by omission. When we talk around issues, avoid topics and fail to unpack ideas, they are often precisely the spaces we must explore. Practice listening to what you leave out of conversations. Begin getting curious about why you leave things out.